All through out your life you are brought up to believe in such a thing called love. This mystical trait that know one cannot quite descirbe. A feeling that has been long disputed through out the history of mankind. Everyone believes in the manifestation of love in their own way. Some people manifest obsession as love. While some manifest it as trust. And still others just see it as something you say when you're in a relationship.
The truth is; the word "love" has long confused me. It was something I thought I, myself had felt. But now in light of recent events I have come to question whether or not what I experienced was the true interperetation of love, or just a fun idealistic view of how I should be conditioned to think. When one experiences love it is supposed to be forever, unconditional, and never fading. While, of course, you can drift apart while still being in love. The love itself is never supposed to disappear.
What I feel now is not love. It's not hate either. What I feel in the deepest depths of my being is infact nothing. It is as if someone or something has taken a piece of me. But instead of mourn it's loss or anger over the theft of such an emotion, it seems as though I don't miss the part of me that has been stripped away. Apathy is the best word I can use to describe what it is that I am feeling. Having once believed I knew what love is, I am now more perplexed as to its true nature than the day I began to quest for it's truth.
Last night was the most active I think I've been since boot camp. My friend calista calls me up and asks if I'm coming out. So, I told here, I was if she was taking me out. Then, she picks me up with a half a car load of people. We drive around to random places picking up a few more people and wind up having a basketball game at 9:30 at night. With the help from headlights and extra players showing up we managed to keep playing until about 2:30 in the morning! We started off with 2 on 2. Then moved up to four on four. Then bottomed out at 3 on 3.
The whole night I was cursing my smokers lung. Mostly due to the fact that I was the entire team defense! All I did was follow the ball, steal the ball and pass it to whoever was open(what can I say? This white guy can't jump or shoot a basket to save his life).
I'm paying for it today though. My back's killing me, my thighs are all cramped up, and both my ankles twisted a few times during the game(due to the shoes I had on). So, at one point I tossed those and played barefoot for a while!
Needless to say, it was one of the stranger events I've seen come together. Just the initial rallying of the troops. And then the slow and steady trickle of newcomers to join the game. All in all it was definately a night to remember.
P.S. Diving to pull a ball inbounds I managed to roll it down my abs and under my crotch just intime for me to flop sdown face first in the grass sorrounding the court. This man's not fertile for at least a month! Woo! I'm goin clubbing!
This is it. This, being the life that I'm leading. I've gone through a lot this year. The number of jobs. Well, a few. The number of apartments.. Well, I can count them on one hand. In the end it landed me here. Back home with my dad and his girlfriends family. At first, this seemed to be a step backward. But now I'm working towad building some kind of a future. Okay, I'll admit it, I'm not expecting you to read any further. Because the rest is going to be as much unimportant babbling as was just typed.
When I think back over and reflect on this year. It seems to be the longest year I've ever lived. I wanted to start off in January, thinking it was about a year ago. But was quickly overtaken by the notion that January was only a few months ago. SInce January alone, I've been through about three jobs and 4 apartments! And I've been through 2 roomates in that span.
If I go back a year ago, add two more jobs to the list. A car. And two more houses/apts. This has by far been the absolute craziest year of my life. Looking back I want to regret all that was lost. But my mind is quickly changed as a reflect on all the experiences I've been through. None to many of them were what you'd call positive. But the ones that were made up for the rest!
Well, there's a lot more I meant to talk about. But who wants to cram a whole year into one entry? Who knows.. Maybe this will set the stage for a few isolated events that have happened this year.
I think I'm experiencing a culture shock!
Ever since I moved from Easton, a small city setting and came the Snydersville, the woods, things have felt wierd. I mean, no more sirens.. No more crackheads to amuse me on the street! The bar is now like 5 miles from home! And the stores are 10.. Ironic, isn't it?
What's a guy to do.. I know I'll masturbate!!
What? I don't see you giving me any better ideas...
Ever want to suprise your dad for dad's day? Here's the story of a young man who thought he'd be clever and do just that.
So, it's now 8:30 Saturday night and Nik realized that he didn't have a ride to the store to pick up a gift. So, the monkey in his head starts cranking the old thought wheel. That's about the time that he remembered that he had acces to his dads Manual Ford F-150. All of a sudden that little voice in the back of his head chimes in, "Nik, do you remember the last time you drove stick?"
"Why yes, yes I do," he replied(aloud).
"And what happened then?" Asked the little annoying voice. Thinking back he can see the look of embarassment that was on his face the day he busted two teeth off the gears in that very truck. At this point he should have thought better. But nobody tells Nik what to do. Not even the little voice in his head. So he grabs the keys, jumps in the truck, grinds it into first and away he goes.
About seven miles down the road as he shifts into fourth the car decellerates and revs real high. "Uh oh(translation: "Oh god dammit, you fuck ass shit fucker!!")" The car bogs down and he pulls as far over as possible. Now, stuck on the road with his thumb out so he can contact a friend he's picked up by the creepiest wierdos that can pick a boy up on the side of the road. Two priests. Well, luckily for him, no violating took place(I guess he's a little too old for them).
Anyway, long story short, he gets the truck safely back to the house on a tow that cost him all the money he had alotted for a gift that evening and kicks himself in the ass. The tow truck driver let him know that he totally burned the clutch. The next day he wakes up and his dad asks him "Do you know why my truck isn't going into gear?"
He replies:
"HAPPY FATHERS DAY!"
Here's the latest in the dating dilemma I'm faced with. The girl that I was pining over for as long as I was basically sent me every signal that she wasn't interested in dating me last week at some point. Well, since then I started talking to this girl I've worked with once or twice this past saturday night. She's smart, and sexy, a little naive. But in a good way. I really liked her personality, so I called her up sunday and told her to come by the bar me and a couple friends were at. From there we all went to a Japanese restaurant and ate a bit. Long story short, I had a great time with her at the bar, the restaurant, and my buddies house.
So, tonight I get a phone call from Ashley(the object of affection) who wanted me to go out for a drink with her. Now, as I'm talking to her she's flirting like crazy, basically trying to get me as comfortable with her as I once was. I mean, we even held hands on the way back from the bar. It was spectacular. I know it's such a small thing. But I miss walking down the street with her hand in mine. Her skin, so soft. I want to taste her lips again. Anyway, the point is, now I'm horribly confused.
I mean do I do what I originally tried and get over Ashley and give this other girl a chance. Or do I chase a dream I've already been futily chasing for so long now? I do love her. But how do I know that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion again?
Alone and scared in the world. Sitting here waiting for the enlightenment to show us the way. Except an impure mind with impure thoughts can't be enlightened. Sure, you can show such mind the path to enlightenment. Even enlightenment itself. But to truly achieve this you must be pure of mind, body, and soul.
I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until that last breath leaves my body. I my dreams I have what I love. In my dreams, I am the person I want to be. The world is that much brighter for those hours that I sleep. I've taken a complete 180 in my sleep patterns. Now instead of one to four hours I'm getting anywhere between eight and twelve. When I awoke from my dream this morning, the first thought in my head(after realizing it was a dream) was a suicidal one. Not that I would ever take such a cowardly way out. But in my dream, everything I have ever wanted to come true had. I had the one thing that I truly cared about. And nothing else mattered. It wasn't money, it wasn't fame, and no, it was a gargantuanly large penis!! haha Sorry, needed something to cut the tension. It was the love of a woman.
She was whispering how much she loved me, in my ear. We were speaking of never leaving eachothers side. Always being together... No matter what. Then, we made love. We didn't fuck, we made love. Afterwards while lying in eachother arms I could hear Aerosmith's "Don't want to miss a thing" playing in the background before I was sucked out of my perfect little utopia and dropped back onto that old tattered couch I was sleeping on.
I may move to another state if these feelings continue. Start a new life, away from any and everybody I have ever known. Let's just say, I'm half the man I used to be(yes, quoting stone temple pilots). I once had something resembling morals and principals. And now, I don't know who I am. Just last night, someone asked me what my passion was. . . I was utterly speechless. What are my passions? Money? Power? Those were the only two words that came to mind. I'm not passionate about anything anymore. I don't even know if I had passions begin with. Oh well. I have to get back to the job I've been severely neglecting lately.
Okay, because of how nervous I was about the whole situation. I forgot to sign the card on the flowers. So, her initial reaction was that her ex boyfriend sent them to her. But eventually through some phone calls she found out who it was. But, I'm not too happy about the result.(before I go into this, let me inform you that I didn't talk to her personally, but I spoke with her roomate b/c she's at work now) When she found out it was me, the only thing I she said was, "Oh okay."
What the hell is that?? So, I'm no longer worried about the outcome. I'm actually kind of lethargic about the whole thing. I will see about picking her up from work tonight(if she wants). But other than that, I see the words, "Oh okay," as pretty good closure to the fact that we are not an item, will never be an item, and the most I can hope for is to remain friends. Oh well, I'll findo ut the situation as it unravels, over the coures of the next couple days. If not, I'll just have to take someone else out this friday night. I don't want to take anyone else out. But, lets face it, I've been holding on to this emotions with this girl for at least five years now. And it's time I moved on. Of cousre, I say this now, and about 6 months later I'll be in the same situation I'm in again, with her.
I can't help it though, I'll never stop loving her. And I'll never stop imagining what life could have been like with her. Even when I'm grown, married and a grandfather, the thoughts of what life could have been will be dancing through my head. Oh and for those of you who know me, yess, I lied to you. I have been in love, still am and I never admitted it to anyone because of how asamed I was with the outcome. And lately I've found that omission just leads to my own confusion. So, here it is. Take it or leave it. You decide.
I left her flowers at her door...
And now my stomach has a knot in it, the size of the iceburg that sunk the titanic. I don't know if it(her rejecting me) will happen. But I do know I can't handle the rejection if it does. Not her.
So, as it turns out, now that I know my product. I'm quickly becoming the top producer in the company. Through my acute technique of bullshitting that I've acquired over the years, I am able to make a not so decent deal look miraculous. I've taken this to the next level. Not only am I structuring loans, but I am also structuring financial plans for the clients I work with. Instead of coming to them with: "These are your rates, these are your payments. Take it or leave it." I now am going into explaining the benefits of the rates and payments they'll be making. I put together a twelve month financial plan to give them the option to take equity out of their house and use it toward their payments to ensure that there are no late payments. Which will, essentially, raise their credit score and give them the opportunity to refinance on their house a year from now and lock themselves into a low fixed rate that can be comfortabley paid each month.
I'm now also better able to cut deals with banks for rate exceptions. Or decieve them into believing that they are in close competition with another bank in order to lower their rates as well. I've found something I'm good at. Even if it causes me stress beyond that of which I think I can handle. Because in the end, the money will heal all ailments. I;ve been looking into seminar schedules for loan originators aswell. I'm primarily interested in the ones that are located in cities like Vegas, Los Angelas, Chicago, Colorado, etc. Basically my plan is to attend these conventions,and write off the expenses, thereby getting discounted vacations across the country.
Thinking ahead to the future, I think I may look into finding a way to internationally produce large business and commercial loans. But of course that won't be until years down the line. Another fun idea I've been kicking around is to clean up my credit, buy a house. Then refinance on that house to put a down payment on a investment property. And continue doing so until I'm not only a broker, I'm an investor as well. The way I see it, this is the industry that landed in my lap. I'm a good salesman, and have always been as long as I knew my product. So, now it's time to start thinking big. Hence, the twelve hour work days I've been putting in.
Now we'll fast forward to my entry of their house after work. Everyone was good and drunk and Gutch's ex comes running out and jumps on my planting a kiss on my mouth. I'm now looking to him for some kind of an explaination. There's nothing there but a disoriented, annoyed look on his face. She then runs into the kitchen cracks my bottle of rum and pours me the first shot of it, handing me the shot glass and a beer. So, I take the shot and chase it with the beer and sit down at the kitchen table to catch up. This girl is now pouring me shot after shot until finally I made her chill at the seventh one. Well, seven shots in five minutes or less, you be the judge of how I was feeling. And it's now just me and her, she's on my lap, and trying to get me to kiss her. So, I give in and kiss her.
Now we move into the living room and start taking some pictures on my digi(will post when I can get them off the camera and onto the computer). Throughout this whole time both her and my friend ashley are showing me all kinds of love. And Gutch is getting more and more pissed by the minute. Once again it turns into just me and his ex are alone in the room and she's all over me. I finally tell her that I have to go talk to my boy and see what his whole feeling was about this. I've known him for five years and I'm not about to fuck up a friendship over some chick.
I go into the kitchen and pour some shots for me and Gutch as we talk about what's going on with that girl and him. Finally, through practically forcing the guy to tell me the truth, the truth comes out. And it's exactly as I thought. She basically just wanted to stay single and fuck who she wanted when she wanted. And he was not cool with that at all. This was about the time that she walked in and asked if we had cleared everything up and everything was cool. So I went off on her and started yelling about how I've known him for a long time. And I wasn't about to disrespect my friend like that.
About two seconds later the night went hazy and I was off in blackout town. I woke up the next morning hungover, looked down and my belt was unbuckled. I asked Gutch what the fuck happened last night and he explained how at one point I passed out. Then woke up and pissed all over Ashley's jacket and kitchen floor. Then how she retaliated by bringing mine into the bathroom and pissing on it. Yes, I know.. Not my proudest moment in life. Later as I'm lying in bed Ashley calls me into her room.
In her room she asks me, "Do you seriously not know what happened last night?" And when I told her I had no clue she followed it up with, "Okay don't freak out but you fucked Ashley(the ex) last night. I guess she had just fucked Gutch and came in to the bedroom to fuck you. Either way, when I came home you two were fucking in my bed!"
To make a long story short(er) She came in while I was passed out woke me up with head and started fucking me. I had no recollection. I apologized to Gutch. And now, somehow he's my roommate.
I've come to the conclusion that my office job just isn't enough. So, I went out and found a job as a banquet server. I start today at four o'clock. Should be interesting. Not the job itself. But, once again having two jobs is going to be an adventure. At least I know that with this job I won't be working until two or three in the morning, as it was when I had a second job in wilkes barre. Hopefully the extra income will help to pay the rent quicker. As it stands, I currently need to come up with about $900.00 in less than a week. Well, I have about $700 of that covered by this friday. And provided they pay cash(which almost certainly won't be the case) at the other job I should come through somewhat okay.
In other news. I just recently met a guy with a little newborn baby. The kid's having major problems with his son's mother. She oes out every night until all hours of the night. Everytime I come around he's the only one there taking care of the kid. And is now looking to split on his woman. So, considering the financial mess I'm in, I may just rent out my room to the dude for the extra income.
In other news, apparently I have a warrant out for my arrest. I found one of those constable cards on my front door. Wel, actually my landlady did. She called me at work to warn me not the answer my door for a while! How great is that! God bless a good landlord/lady. Well, that's all folks!
The air is bitter and the night is quiet. On the ground is a brownish white inconsistency of snow. As uneven as the ground is, he procedes to start running down the street. Wow, he thinks, I haven't hone running in quite some time, and it's not as bad as I thought. Then the very thoughts that consumed him back at his apartment unfold slowly. The more that unfolds the faster he runs. He's now running at a quick pace, when he suddenly feels his ankle twist, stumbles a bit a keeps running. Only now a pain is rusging through his ankle. Another half a block passed, he can't go on.
As he now limps down the alley way he turned into he's now consumed, not with his thoughts, but with his physical pain. Moaning and gasping from the pain he comes to a stop and collects himself. Less than three minutes later, the pain has subsided. So he takes it upon himself to run a few more blocks. He makes it another two blocks before he's nearly crippled by the pain. He now knows what it is that has happened. The poor guy sprained his ankle and finds himself limping all the way back to his apartment.
In the end, the run did, infact, take his mind off his thought. Doing so by bringing a new pain into his life.
3 dog night
I miss you.God is love